Do you really want to change? (2023)

Most people who come to me do it because they want to change something. So the overall focus of this blog is to give people the tools to make changes. I call this the "freedom" to change because most of us go through very psychological (actually perceptual,Store,regulation of emotions, cognitive) designed to maximize our chances of interpersonal safety. But thatdefense mechanismthey become so hardwired (inflexibly programmed) into our neurological systems that they are very difficult to change and become the chains that bind us.

Let's face it, change is hard. And instead of really wanting to change, I think most people are looking for a way to stop the pain and live happy, productive lives. If they could do it without real changes I think they would.

But let's say you really want to change. To do this, I almost always engage people in conversation by asking, "Who are you?" In other words, if you want to change yourself, we need to know what we're going to change.

You are...

• A brain and a physical body?
• Your perception of other people and the world?
• All your attitudes and beliefs?
• All your feelings and emotions?
• A spirit or a soul?

The answer to this question has important consequences for your change process. Let's look at some of the main groups and the questions they raise. Then I'll introduce a computer metaphor to connect all of this to personal change.AdjunctSystem and styles as an example.

I am a brain and a physical body.

If you are a brain and a physical body and you want to change the way you feel, you may need to change your neurochemistry, yourendocrine(pituitary gland, etc.) or the physical structures in your brain.

You can do that, you can take medicine (although I see a lot of resistance to that). You can perform other medical procedures…. However, brain surgery is generally outside the scope of elective surgery.

You can change some of the circuitry in your brain, including some functions in your limbic (emotional) system, and this can be very helpful in terms of decreasing your negative social perceptions and experience ofSufferingYtemer...but the way to make these changes to the circuit is to change your mindset, which brings us to the next possibility.

I am the sum of my thoughts and feelings.

If you are your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs and you change them in any significant way, you simply won't be the person you always knew. And that's exactly what often blocks people's process of change. People cling to their identity even when they know that some aspects of that identity are harmful. After all, that's the thought process, if you change everything about yourself, you won't know who you are anymore... and people often find that idea very disturbing.

If you are your thoughts, then a significant change in your thinking is comparable to an (experiential/identity) Death. Because of this connection to self-identity, most people find it difficult to let go of their way of thinking, even when they know it is causing them pain. It's like a software program that rewrites itself to become another software program. And even if you change the program, you still haven't changed the underlying operating system (your brain and your body).

am i a spirit or a soul

Don't stop reading.I have many wonderful clients who seem to be allergic to something.spiritual... also things that are not spiritual but were written by spiritual people ("abracadabra", "sorcerer", "religious fanatic"). And I'm not interested in convincing anyone otherwise. I have a spiritual belief system, but I don't belong to any organized religion. And if I had an idea of ​​God, it would be so great that I really wouldn't care if you believed it or not. So don't worry about it. But it makes for an interesting and relevant philosophical discussion that goes a long way when it comes to processes of change.

When you say, "I want to change," I'm interested in knowing who this "I" is making that statement. We've already covered some of the implications of being a brain in a body or set of thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes. But if the "I" is something other than the brain or the body or the thoughts, etc., there's a lot more we can do to change the options. We need not further define the spiritual "I" for this discussion. Let's think of it as existing before the other facets (perhaps energy?).

Die Computermetáfer

Think of "I" as a computer system operator sitting in a remote location. Think of it as if the operator is at NASA and the computer is in a rover on a distant planet. The operator can only perceive the distant world through the data sensors connected to the rover's computer system. Some of this data, such as surface temperature, can flow directly into the system and be interpreted directly. But much of the data, such as atmospheric patterns (weather), is more complex and must be run through software programs to make sense to the operator. Thus, like the climate on a distant planet, the system under study is not known directly, but is derived through a series of calculations and algorithms. By definition this will result in some errors in the output that the operator will see. If any of the software programs have a bug in their code or are poorly calibrated, the operator could make even more erroneous decisions based on this output. Even worse, the cell phone is failsafe and some data automatically triggers events. If the temperature rises too high, the cell phone will automatically enter shutdown mode. If a threat is detected, the rover can switch to defensive mode and dodge, or switch to offensive mode and deploy its weapons systems (this is one badass rover).

Now let's go to yourpersonalityand the containment system.

You are the operator behind the computer system that operates the rover. You are not the computer. You are not the tramp. It's not the rover's data sensors. It is not the programs that interpret the data. They are not the rover's defense systems.

In terms of personality and attachment style, you are not your body. You are not your social perception. You are not your attachment style. They are not your automatic impulse to shut down and run or verbally lash out in a negative interaction with a friend, co-worker or romantic partner. As with the rover, this all relates to how well the body's sensory systems are calibrated, whether there is faulty programming in the perception or emotional response systems, and what automatic processes may be triggered when the system detects a threat.

Back to computer metaphor

Once the NASA operator has interpreted the rover's data and decided on a strategy (for example, how to climb the next mountain), the appropriate commands must be transmitted to the rover via the onboard computer. This communication system is limited by the technology of the physical hardware at the distal site. Our operator must also input some information into the system, which translates the purest intent and direction of the operator into computer code. Again, this can lead to miscommunications where the cell phone may not receive the same message that our carrier originally intended to convey. If the automatic defense systems activate too quickly, our operator may need to recalibrate some of the sensors. The operator may also need to rewrite some of the programs to provide more effective escape maneuvers or aggressive tactics that don't destroy newly encountered lifeforms. While the operator cannot change the physical rover (which has already been deployed to a distant planet), he can change the rover's interface.the surroundingsand being able to continually tune and reprogram the rover to interact with new environments and perhaps even new life.

Finally, let's return to personality and the attachment system.

Based on our metaphor, the ("I") cannot change the vehicle through which it interacts with the distant world. In other words, your physical body, which includes your brain, has already been implanted on planet Earth. With a few exceptions, you can't build a new brain or body in 2019. But you can tell which of your sensor systems is giving you bad data. If you have a busy or anxious attachment style, your physiological threat detection sensors (in your limbic system and amygdala) may be overly sensitive, giving you false danger signals or triggering an automatic fight or flight response based on insufficient or insufficient meaning. data If you have a rejection attachment style, your sensors may not activate easily and you may be missing important data. In this case, you may need to rely on secondary systems to amplify incoming social signals (for example, a friend who can give you feedback on how other people are reacting to you).

If you are the operator (the spirit "I") sitting distally behind the implanted system (your body), you can make these changes without irritating the system. It just is what it is. Think of it this way... the NASA operator is unlikely to be critical of or mock the rover for giving the wrong temperature reading. And so the you that you are doesn't have to get angry or criticize your body's out of balance sensory systems.

You can also choose to slowly rewrite your thinking, just as you would rewrite a software program, without getting mad at the program. Just learn to constantly make adjustments to get a smoother system. But you don't get angry or hate the system. You feed and care for it because it's the only thing you have.