How to manage between your goals and your partner - Personal Excellence (2023)

“Dear Celes, I have been with my partner for 10 years. I know I made a lot of sacrifices to be with him and I don't regret my choices.

However, lately I've been worried about letting go of aspects of myself and molding myself to be with him without even realizing it. I don't want to lose sight of my dreams. How do you manage between your goals and being with your partner when you're in a relationship? - A-N-A

Hi Anna, most people's approach to this dilemma would be one of the following:

1. Giving up on your goals of being with your partner (which you have done in the past),
2. Pursue your goals at the expense of your relationship, or
3. Find a happy medium where you can pursue some of your goals while still being with your partner.

Options 1 and 2 are unsustainable because a win-lose or lose-win scenario will always end in a lose-lose.

For option 1, if you give up your goals to be with your partner, you will only find yourselfdeeply unhappydue to unfulfilled internal desires that lead to unspoken pressure in the relationship. Even if you're perfectly fine with giving up on your goals, going back to them will keep you from fulfilling yourself, keep you from doing your best for the relationship, and thus rob your partner of your best.

With option 2, pursuing your goals at the expense of your relationship will prevent your relationship from thriving as you won't devote all of your time/energy to it. Even if the relationship remains afloat, it will only be a functional relationship (where two people stick together for companionship) and not a synergistic relationship where both parties thrive together. Your partner may also feel abandoned and ask for a breakup, which happened to someone I knew: They lost their girlfriend after years of neglecting the relationship to pursue their goals.

While Option 3 might seem like a viable option, it's actually also suboptimal. While it may seem like you're meeting your needs and your relationship's needs, you're actually only halfway there, where you're doing a little bit of both without getting the best out of each area. You'll soon find yourself tossed between two extremes, feeling tense and possibly exhausted.

How to build the best relationship

The best relationships are approximateSynergy, where 1+1=3. It means you and your partner are making progress.furtherjMore quicklyLiving together versus if one of you is single. Instead of having an effect of 1+1=2 (where both are simply the sum of the parts), or 1+1=1 or less than 2 (where you actually walk away from a relationship in your life), you have 1 +1 Range =3 or more.

In a synergistic relationship, there is absolutely no trade-off between your personal goals, your partner's goals, or the relationship itself; In fact, you and your partner achieve more when you're together.

Such synergistic relationships are rare because most people are unaware that such a pattern is possible. To be honest, I never thought much about the relationship dynamic until I felt connected and felt the difference in being with someone. I've seen firsthand how synergistic relationships can be, and we, as individual parts of the whole, play a critical role in creating that synergy.

Example: Dealing with the time limit for personal and relationship activities

One limitation I recently addressed with my partner is the issue of time: we had limited time between us due to (a) his erratic work schedule as he worked in a global team and had work meetings during the day until the early hours. and (b) we lived an hour and a half away, which made it difficult for us to meet during the week due to his schedule.

We ended up spending time on the phone every night, resulting in a total of 25 hours of talk time per week. It was a lot of time that we took from our activities, including sleep. Also, the telephone can be limited as a means of communication because we are not in each other's presence.

After some discussions we decided to move in together and this fit perfectly with my plans as I was planning to move out of my childhood home. (I see moving out of my parents' home as a necessary step in my personal growth.) Moving in together was clearly an option that broke the constraints of time, space, and conflicting daily routines.

By being together, we naturally spend time together every day due to necessary daily activities such as breakfast/lunch/dinner, exercise and sleep/rest; It's also valuable time we spend face-to-face as a couple, as opposed to phone calls, which we view as a "degraded" face-to-face bonding experience. No more planning each other's schedules just to meet and no more long commutes every time we meet. In our case it was the perfect solution.

Here we went straight to the heart of the problem, the lack of time, and created a solution that broke with this limitation. Instead of messing with low-level solutions like B. To ration the time we spend on face-to-face activities and on the phone, we created a solution that allows us to answerBothour personal agendasjour relationship needs to talk on the phone better than we ever could with our previous arrangement.

Example: addressing work goals versus building relationships

At first, I was concerned that my relationship with Ken would cause me to neglect my work. It's not that I'm taking my time (I want to spend as much time with him as possible) but because I felt like I couldn't use that time to connect with other people when I was spending my time with him. (All of you).

This concern was especially acute after I noticed that items on my to-do list (for my job) kept getting pushed off to the next day because I (thankfully) spent so much time with him.

While most people's first instinct is to cut back on meeting time and invest time in work, it just didn't feel right for me. i knew the answerwas notreduce the time I spent with him per se because Ito dowant to spend time with him. Cutting down on time with him seemed to stifle my inner self.

Also the solution to consciously part with itjust forconnecting with you felt counterintuitive... it felt like a resolution rooted in fear and scarcity (i.e. I only have XX time and that time I can only spend with my partner or someone else). looked likeincorrect. It felt like a solution based on strength (a place of unconsciousness) rather than power (a place of awareness).

At the same time, neglecting my job was clearly not the solution. Helping others to grow ismy life purpose. It was my passion before I got used to it; It will always be my passion even now that I'm in a relationship. It's a part of me that will never change, no matter who I'm with or where I'm at in life.

So my questions to myself became:How do I get out of this dilemma? How can I meet my work needs while I'm still there/relationship with Ken?

Did not take too longDebatebefore finding the following solutions where you would realize thatmimy personal work planjwhile furthering my relationship:

1. Include my partner in my work process instead of working in silos. Examples would be letting you know about things I'm working on, sharing my latest projects and getting feedback. My main intention is to include you in this intimate part of my life (my passion for helping others grow), which would obviously bring us closer together (and grow the relationship in the process). Listening to your opinions (if you have thoughts to share) allows me to understand you better (which in turn strengthens the relationship) and helps me to consider perspectives I may not have considered before (which helps me to grow in my I work). .
2. Sharing my relationship experiences as part of my writing.. This article is an example of how I use my relationship classes to help others. This allows me to use my natural flow, which would help me create great content with minimal effort... instead of writing about topics I'm not in the writing zone for, which would result in uninspired content that is more mental consuming more energy than usual. Since my relationship classes can be used to help others (my personal goal), this gives me an extra incentive to get involved in the relationship, which would make the relationship grow even more .
3. Have a concrete daily work schedule.Since I was single before, I had all the time in the world for my private activities, so I never needed a fixed daily routine. Creating a specific daily work schedule would help me be more focused and productive at work, which will have a positive impact on my relationship. This daily planning would also ensure that I made time for my relationship every day.

Remember that the above three steps do not affect my personal schedule or my relationship; lead to a boost for me and my relationship.

How to Create Synergy: Use the “And” Versus “Either/Or” Approach

The two examples and solutions I shared above are specific to my situation/relationship. They might be completely irrelevant to you. And that's perfectly fine.

In short, what I share is that long-term conflict resolution between you and the relationship can only be achieved throughFind the path "e" that allows you to recognizeBothyour personal goalsjyour relationship goals at the same time– I would say even better than if you approach each area in isolation.

Because if you always take an either/or approach, i.e. pursuing your goals or expanding your relationship, you will be faced with a win-lose scenario, which eventually leads to a lose-lose situation, as I explained above. Even a partial win for either side through rationing time/resources for you and your relationship will eventually become a loser-lover, because you are simply occupying two extremes and playing a tug of war between your needs and the needs of others. your relationship. . .

Identifying that path of synergy that will allow you (and your partner) to fly high and achieve more than if each of you were alone/with someone else. This is the hallmark of a genuine, synergistic, and expansive relationship.

My additional tips for making this relationship a reality:

1. Always stay in constant and open communication with your partner.Ken and I are talkingdiaryin the things that concern us and in the things that may not occur to us. Whenever we encounter an issue, we immediately address it (instead of leaving these issues open-ended) for careful discussion and a quick resolution.
2. Constantly articulate your needs (if any) so your partner knows about them.People don't read minds, and if you don't say anything, your partner might not notice. This can lead to conflicts in the future.
3. Adjust to your partner's needs and make sure they are continually met.(with your help or not). It's not just your needs; Equally important are your partner's needs. This relationship is made of two people and not just you. Work with your partner to make things happen for them, with or without your help.
4. Capitalize on your strengths and use them to build the relationship.Ken and I have unique skills that complement each other well; Him with his listening skills, his quick perception, empathy and helper and me with my knowledge of personality development. We both use these skills constantly to take our relationship to the next level. Likewise, think about what your and your partner's strengths are and use them to improve your relationship.

Hope this helps Anna; let me know how things go with you!

As for the rest of you, what do you think? How would you approach the question of yourself versus the needs of your relationship?