How to Set Boundaries: 5 Ways to Politely Draw Boundaries (2023)

Knowing how to set limits is one of the most important but often overlooked social skills.

Boundaries are rooted in clear communication.

As Brene Brown says, "clear is friendly, unclear is hostile."The more precisely you can express your limits, the more likely it is that they will be respected. While you may have to repeat it several times, don't feel the need to apologize or explain your limitations.

Like an invisible fence around the perimeter of a garden, boundaries define where your space ends and someone else's begins. If a dog can recognize and respect that boundary, so can everyone else in his life.

See exactly how to set boundaries that protect your mental, physical, and emotional well-being while fostering healthy relationships at work, at home, and in social circles.

What are healthy boundaries?

Healthy boundaries are the boundaries you set on your time, emotions, body, and mental health to keep yourself resilient, grounded, and content with who you are. These empowerment limits protect you from being used, drained, or manipulated by others.

You can set limits for:

• emotional energy
• Tempo
• personal space
• sexuality
• moral and ethical
• Material goods and finances
• social media

Limits can be set with:

• family
• friends
• romantic relationships
• staff
• strangers

While not as obvious as a fence, wall, or no trespassing sign, healthy boundaries let others know what you tolerate and what you don't. In short, boundaries give you the power to take control of your life.

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Why do you need borders?

Personal boundaries are the root of a full and balanced life. Without them, people can quicklyget lost in your work, relationships, family commitments or service to others. They can even be taken advantage of or taken advantage of by people who do not respect them.

These boundaries help define what you are willing to say "yes" to and what you choose to say "no." They give you a sense of agency and sovereignty over your decisions.

Like an internal compass, boundaries can start with a "gut" that tells you when you have the time or energy to commit to something or when to say "no."

Good boundaries give you the freedom to live your life on your own terms.

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Healthy Limits vs. Unhealthy Limits

People with strong boundaries tend to experience less stress and stress.higher self esteembecause they prioritize your well-being.

On the other hand, people without borders may inadvertently allow others to take advantage of them.

They may lack confidence, purpose, or a clear identity to guide them through life. TutorDr. Dana Nelson writes, “At work or in our personal relationships, bad boundaries lead to resentment, anger, and burnout.”

Limitless people can easily be persuaded to do things they don't want to do, because they may be acting out of guilt or obligation rather than self-love.

Suppose you are tired of living your life for other people or feel exhausted by all the commitments you have made to others. If so, it's time to set boundaries and reclaim the power of your time, energy, and mental well-being.

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5 Effective Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting limits is based on communication. Communicating your needs and desires is the most important step in defining your boundaries and living a freer life.

Visualize and set your limits

The first and most important step in defining your boundaries is to make them concrete. Boundaries are often blurred and abstract because they seem invisible in our daily lives.

However, by visualizing and writing down your boundaries, you'll gain much more clarity about where you want to draw the line between yourself and others.

Take some time to reflect on the state of your life. ask yourself:

• What is causing me unnecessary stress or discomfort?
• What am I waiting for every day, what am I afraid of?
• Who or what gives me energy?
• In what areas of my life do I feel exhausted?
• What makes me feel safe, supported and valued?

Draw a large circle on a blank piece of paper. In the circle, write anything that makes you feel safe and stress-free.

For example:

• a daily routine
• words of affirmation from your partner
• hugs from loved ones
• Leave the stress of work in the office
• Clear communication from your loved ones.
• Freedom to choose how you spend your free time
• Say “no” to energy vampires
• autonomy over your body

On the outside of the circle, write anything that causes you discomfort, pain, anger, or emotional exhaustion. These are the people or situations that cross your boundaries.

For example:

• Your mother tells you what to do with your life
• Work on projects outside of business hours instead of prioritizing your self-care
• Worrying about what certain people think of you
• your cousin wants to borrow money
• Your coworker keeps bringing up their relationship issues on you at lunch
• Your roommate eats your food from the fridge.
• Your boyfriend/girlfriend controls who you talk to or hang out with
• Strangers at the bar touch you without asking
• Acquaintances who ask deep or intimate questions about your life.

This circle represents a visible manifestation of your limitations. It's time to get everything out of the loop and determine how you can set a limit that will prevent or eliminate these problems in the future.

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Communicate your limits openly

One of the biggest mistakes people make is setting limits on their thoughts but not sharing them openly with the people in their lives. Sometimes people assume that you have to know your limits. But if you haven't clearly communicated where you've drawn the line, how will you know when you've crossed it?

This may sound daunting and scary, but it can be a significant relief once you get it out of the way. As a social psychologistdice Brene Brown, "Light is friendly, light is hostile." If you know your limits, you need to communicate them.

Take a deep breath, muster your determination, and express your needs in a friendly and direct way. To see how:

How to clearly communicate boundaries

Fortunately, once someone is aware of their limits, most people respect them and apologize if they accidentally cross the line. Without clear communication, the boundaries become blurred. You may quickly find yourself venturing into more dangerous territory of burning yourself out, being exploited, or even neglecting your own needs.

The more precisely and directly you can communicate your limits, the easier it will be to stick to them. Boundaries are like the “rules” of a relationship. When they are visible to everyone involved, it is much easier to respect them.

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Repeat and keep your limits

Just as an invisible fence around a yard protects a dog from getting lost in the street, boundaries protect you from overtaxing your mental and emotional well-being.

But the dog must be trained not to cross that line. He needs to understand where his garden begins and ends. It takes time, repetition and patience.

The same applies to human limits. Not everyone will understand or respect your boundaries the first time. It is important that you stick to your decision and gently remind him of your needs when necessary.

A dog is confused when the yard ends in bushes one day but spills out onto the sidewalk the next. If someone initially doesn't respect his boundaries, remind him of that, but stick with your original decision.

Pro tip:Avoid pushing your limits to comfort someone. If you said, "I'm not comfortable with you contacting me about work after hours," you probably don't want to send the message that "sometimes it's okay if you text me late at night." While it may seem awkward or awkward at first, a person who really wants to be in your life will respect your decision.

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Don't be afraid to say no

Have you ever met someone who seemed to say "yes" to everything? People who are afraid to say "no" often end up with an overflowing plate of duties and responsibilities that they can't seem to fulfill. They tend to give up on their self-care as they desperately try to meet the demands of all the people and things they have said yes to.

"No" is a strong word. It sounds incredibly similar in dozens of languages ​​and can be recognized with simple gestures or facial expressions.

However, many people today have been programmed to feel guilty about their "no's." Actually, saying "no" is drawing a line in the sand. It is an expression of courage, self-love, and sovereignty over your daily decisions.

Remember that each "yes" and "no" shapes your reality. You have the power to choose how you spend your time and energy. If something isn't right in your stomach, you probably shouldn't be doing this. The word “no” is essential to setting healthy boundaries.

If you need help saying "no" more often, check out our6 effective tips to say no politely.

Action Tip:Saying "no" doesn't have to be rude, but INor does it need an apology or explanation.. Notice where in your life you say "Sorry I can't" or "Maybe let me call you" when you just want to say "no." See how you can turn these simple conversations around to draw a clearer line instead of someone else waiting for a straight answer. Ultimately, everyone involved benefits from the clarity of your communication.

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take time for yourself

In our fast-paced world, self-care can seem selfish or even frivolous. But the science of self-care is clear: making time for yourself isassociated with increased self-confidence,increased creativity,more emotional intelligence, mimore emotional stabilityin challenging situations. they can evenhelp prevent burnout.

action advice: For the next month, schedule a solid 2-hour block on your calendar dedicated to "me time" each week. Please inform your family and close friends that you will not be available during this time. Whether it's cooking a healthy meal, going out, taking a day off, hitting the yoga studio, or relaxing on the beach with a good book, taking time for yourself is key to healthier boundaries.

But what does self-care have to do with limits?

Solitude allows you to reflect on your life and your values. Taking time to care for yourself can help you gain clarity in your relationships with others and ultimately define your boundaries.

For many, this may seem selfish. The tendency of modern society towards self-sacrifice and work addiction has led the vast majority of people to break their limits or sacrifice their well-being to please other people. Ironically, this can often have the opposite effect that you would like.

Self-care and healthy boundaries are not selfish; they are a form of self-love that leads to deeper relationships and more fulfilling experiences.

As the saying goes, you can't pour it out of an empty cup. Healthy boundaries are a way to fill your cup so you can bring more joy and help the world.

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Bonus: Dealing with difficult people

Whether you're at work or dealing with a personal relationship, difficult people can make setting boundaries 10 times harder. But how to start dealing with them? Through rigorous testing, we found the ideal approach for dealing with difficult people:

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How to create boundaries between professional and personal life

search programsthat the blurred boundaries of professional life are linked to emotional exhaustion. This is more relevant than ever given the massive shift to remote work-from-home scenarios. However, addiction to work can also manifest itself in many other ways:

For example, John is a successful lawyer who takes pride in his work. Yet he often stays late at his home office, compulsively checks email, and neglects family time. He is regularly stressed and constantly thinks about new clients and cases from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed.

John often jokingly describes himself as a "workaholic" but internally connects his job to his identity. He has no boundaries between his professional and personal life and his mental, emotional and physical health is suffering.

Ways to set limits as a workaholic:

• Set precise work hours (for example, 9-5 with a 1 hour lunch break)
• follow onemorgenrotinathe focus is on self-care
• Avoid checking your phone while with family and friends
• Tell your colleagues or employees that you are not available at certain times
• Designate a dedicated space to work in your home (avoid working in bed or on the couch).
• Delegate tasks or hire new employees to reduce your stress levels
• Try a new hobby unrelated to your job
• Keep separate sets of "work clothes" and "leisure clothes" so you can mentally switch between limits
• As you close your laptop, allow yourself to mentally "tap in time" for the day.

Workaholism is a real problem that results from a lack of boundaries of time and energy.

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How to set boundaries in a romantic relationship

Romantic relationships can be the most difficult area of ​​your life to set limits. Despite what the movies tell us, giving yourself completely to another person isn't necessarily healthy. And honestly, no one should expect that from you.

Healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. They define who is responsible for what, when they see each other, how they interact, and what each partner needs to feel safe and respected. Perhaps most importantly, relationship boundaries prevent codependency.

Suppose a romantic relationship takes over your life and interferes with your work or your relationships with friends and family. If so, it might be time to take a step back and reassess your limits.

The 3 most common borderless romance areas include:

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How much time do you spend together?

Suppose that you or your partner try to spend every hour of the day together. If so, you may be missing a limit on your time.

relationship counselorGarrett Coan advisesThe "70/30" rule as a general guide: the happiest and most harmonious marriages spend about 70% of their time together and 30% apart.

This might be closer to 50/50 or 40/60 depending on the stage of your relationship, but the moral of the story is that no one should take up all your time. Time with a romantic partner should be balanced with time for friends, family, and yourself.

You can gently and lovingly express that you need more time to yourself for this to happen.best version of yourselfin the relationship. This can manifest as a simple limit like "Sundays are my days for me."

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Set physical and sexual boundaries.

Physical boundaries are essential at all stages of a relationship, especially in the heat of a new romance. It is essential to ask permission before kissing, hugging or touching a romantic partner for the first time.

Also, you should talk about how comfortable each person is with things like showing affection in public, holding hands, or any other form of physical boundary.

Maintaining autonomy over your body while respecting the physical or emotional boundaries of your sexual partner is critical to maintaining a healthy connection. This can include consent, privacy, expressing your likes and desires, and a mutual understanding of your partner's physical and emotional needs.

Suppose a man sees a woman with a history of sexual abuse or trauma. In that case, he could respect her sexual boundaries by asking her regularly about her comfort with different kinds of physical intimacy. Suppose she expresses that a certain experience was triggering for her. If so, he must respect that limit to maintain her trust.

Common examples of physical boundaries include avoiding open PDAs at a social gathering or simply asking someone before you hug them.

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Respect emotional boundaries

Perhaps most complex of all, emotional boundaries are the guidelines for how you and your partner express your feelings for each other.

How you talk? Do you listen carefully to your partner's needs or do you only focus on yourself? What topics do you avoid discussing? What pitches do you use? How do you apologize and resolve the situation when you have an argument?

Examples of emotional boundaries:

• "We are not going to discuss this matter over dinner tonight."
• "I feel uncomfortable when you bring up [painful topic]. Can we keep this to ourselves?
• "I need some time to myself to think about this situation."
• "I will not tolerate being insulted."
• "I want to support you through this difficult time, but I can't be your emotional dump. Maybe you can reach out to [a therapist, your mom, etc.]."

Pro tip:For more amazing tips on how to argue (correctly), read:9 Conflict Resolution Tips To Win An Argument Like A Jedi

A Note on Emotional Dumping

Unlike dumping, dumping involves dumping traumatic feelings, thoughts, and emotions on a partner or even a stranger on a sporadic basis. Whether you are the giver or the recipient of the emotional discharge, it can be a hard line to navigate.

A person trying to get rid of their emotions may express extreme vulnerability. But vulnerability can be a double-edged sword. For one thing, vulnerability is the key to building deep romantic connections. But it can also lead to breaches of trust or even assignments.

Everyone experiences strong emotions that they need to vent at times, but using your romantic partner as an emotional reservoir can put significant pressure on your relationship. Finally, significant people are not therapists.

Set that boundary for yourself and your partner by empathically saying, "I want to be there for you, but I don't think I can support you that way." suggests the situation. always remembershow empathyBut show that you are uncomfortable being the recipient of such an intense exchange.

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How to set limits with parents

When it comes to parental limits, it's a whole different ballgame. As a child, it can be incredibly confusing when your caregiver leans on you for support or expresses inappropriate feelings in front of you. Fortunately, as an adult, you have more freedom and awareness to cross boundaries with your parents.

In either case, the boundaries must be drawn. Whether they are young, adolescent, or adult, children need to know that they have some privacy from their parents, for example, a boundary around their parents reading their newspaper or coming into their room while they change.

In the opposite scenario, children also need to know their parents' privacy and convenience policies. Parents who want to set limits for their children can tell them to always knock on the door before entering the room or ask before using certain household items.

Young adults may need to set limits when their parents offer advice. Parents often have ideas about how they want their children to live their lives, and even if they mean well, they can undermine their sense of freedom and self-sovereignty. Adults can draw that line by expressing to parents that they prefer not to receive unsolicited advice or judgment about their decisions. They will ask for help when they need it.

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How to set boundaries with friends

While friendships arevital for your healthand happiness can often be exhausting when you have no limits. Friends in need can expect a lot from you and they don't always reciprocate. When you need to set more boundaries with your friends, it all starts with the confidence to say "no."

And yesyou are a philanthropistThis can be incredibly challenging because you want to make everyone happy. You may find it difficult to say "no" to someone who asks for your help or attention, even if you don't have the energy or time to do so.

There may also be some personal work involved. if you're afraidrejectionor a need for validation, it may be more difficult to define your boundaries. But worthwhile friends tend to understand and respect your priorities. Saying "no" is not a big betrayal or disappointment. It's just a skill you can practice to set more boundaries in friendships.

Ways to set boundaries with friends:

• Make sure you have time for yourself.
• Let your friends know when they can expect a response from you (set this limit so people don't get mad if you don't reply to their texts or calls right away).
• Be clear when you feel overwhelmed, ignored, or unknown.
• If you are afraid to say "no", start with "I'll call you" and think carefully before answering.
• Let your friends know that you have personal goals and dreams that you are working towards.
• Only offer to help your friends with the things you can actually do. If not, suggest alternative ways to get help in the situation.
• It communicates that you are there for them, but you are also putting yourself first at this time in your life.

professional advice: Use our11 Expert Tips to Stop People Panderingto feel more secure and authentic in your friendships.

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In Summary, 5 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries

If you want to regain your energy, time, and strength, setting boundaries is critical to your growth journey.

While it may seem daunting, setting limits doesn't have to be complicated:

1. Define your limits (what supports you and what affects your well-being)
2. Communicate your boundaries openly with the people in your life.
3. Remind people when necessary (but always respect their boundaries)
4. Don't be afraid to say "no" to things that don't serve you.
5. take time for yourself

The boundaries of your life will shape your growth and your relationships with those around you. You only have so much time, energy, and emotional capacity. If you don't protect your well-being, no one else will.

Hopefully, when you set clear boundaries, you can find more freedom to express yourself and live a happier life.

If you are looking for more confidence to set your limits and reach your highest potential, read our guideBecome More Confident: 11 Scientific Strategies for More Self-Confidence.